Friday, November 30, 2012

I was a pain in the neck...maybe i still am

Author Robert Wicks wrote:
On the way to taking God and their mission seriously, some people do a detour and take themselves too seriously.  They become a pain in the neck to be with too.

A spiritual master was asked, "If I join this community how long will it take me to get some spiritual depth?"  The master said, "I guess about 10 years."
"Ten years?   What if I try really hard?"
"Then", the master said, "It will be 20 years." 

The above describes me.  And it has taken me more than 20 years to get to the place where I am.  That place is the realization that I don't have to work so hard.  All I have to do is be faithful.  And I don't need to step all over the graces which are in truth, the opportunities in life that allow me to stop and take a breath so that I could really realize what was going on around me.    If you can do that, then you can make a choice about what you want to do with your life because of that graced moment.  You choose a direction in which to move forward with your next step and that is the path to holiness. 

Driven.  Strong.  Determined.  Focused.  Intense.  Those words have been used by others to describe me year after year.  I was actually proud of that!  To me it meant that I worked really hard.  I had no idea there were bodies lying in the wake of my passions.  The turned-off, the intimidated, the fearful, the sincere innocents and simple genuine people.  I plowed my way thru them all, leaving them bruised and burdened.  Tornadoes do that, not Jesus followers.  During the first half of my life I could not have been deterred from my self imposed mission.

Today I look back at that person and smile.  I appreciate the energy and desire to give her all to God.  But on the other side of 50 I'm calmer about it all and more appreciative of simple, quieter moments.  Sorry, too, for the damage I may have done.  I have finally been gentled.  It's been 8 months now I I believe it's a real transformation.   I finally surrendered into God's welcoming and protective arms.  It's so much better there!

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