AFTER I DIED....

I can only imagine what my eyes will see when You stand before me.
Will I dance? Stand? Shout Alleluia? Be still? Fall to my knees? Be silent?
                               From the song by Mercy Me

On the day my life ends and I face you God for my final judgment I imagine I’d just be frozen silent and in awe. My insides would eventually react and I’d want to run up to you and hug you never letting go. I’d be crying tears of joy and relief. After years of waiting and wanting to be HOME with the One who made me and knows me, there I am. I’m in the arms of my God who loves me unconditionally. But confusion might fill me up again. I don’t deserve to hug you and be so close to you. I’m a sinner and I have been for all the years you put me on the earth.

Like Adam and Eve after the apple event I’d want to run and hide so I could somehow avoid facing You. But I can’t do that. “Where would I go to run from your presence?”(Ps. 119) And so the final Judgment begins. Like sneaking food while you’re on a diet, cheating on a test in school, being caught in a lie…the guilty feelings begin but they’re a lot worse. My life, full of sins and weaknesses, parades before me like a never ending very bad film. At one point Jesus grabs my hand to calm my growing anxiety. In my mind, it’s now official. I’ve failed to meet my own life’s goals- never mind God’s! Each sin was surrounded with different opportunities and graces that I’d never noticed because I was SO focused on what I wanted at the time. It was about meeting my own needs and creating new wants. Worse yet, it was my own report card. I wrote it all myself. Filled with regret, sadness and guilt I hang my head. I don’t bother trying to explain, justify or rationalize my actions as I would have on earth. God is holding my hand! I feel like pulling away but at the same time I really just can’t. This is God! All my life I’ve waited for this moment. The Beatific Vision. I finally have seen His face, experienced what it’s like to be in his presence and to feel complete. Life on earth was all about searching, seeking, struggling. Now I am full, sated and calm.

God reaches over and takes my other hand as we face each other eye to eye. Is this really happening? Am I going to wake up any second now? God is holding my hands and looking into my eyes. Now I realize I am fully known. It feels like there is no one else around and there never was. For God it was all about me. For some reason I have the audacity to speak (even as I say to myself “still you don’t get it. Just shut up. Nothing you say could be as important as listening to God’s words at this very moment.”) It feels like if I don’t speak what’s in my heart now I will miss my final opportunity to be honest. “Even the stones will shout”.

“Excuse me Lord” I say in a shaky voice.

“Call me Abba” God says, smiling.

“Abba, I shouldn’t even be speaking right now. You know who I was and I surely know what that looks like in comparison to your life on earth. You sent me graces and friends.  I had my prayer time with you and the sacraments to help me. Still I chose myself over you.  I wanted my own needs and wishes met first. I asked you for help and you sent it. I asked for wisdom, insight and your Holy Spirit. You gave me all of that.”  Then, crying, I looked into God’s eyes and said, “Abba, I’m not ready. I don’t deserve to spend eternity here in Your Presence yet. I really want to get cleaned up more first. It’s like going into a wedding party as a bride’s maid – but wearing jeans!  Can you let me go somewhere to get myself washed up? What I’ve done with this soul you gave me is not what you deserve. "
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A tear fell from my Abba’s eyes as he said, “I’ve not taken back the gift of your free will. It’s still yours. Are you sure this is what you want?.” “Yes, yes, yes,” I replied. “ I couldn’t feel good about spending time with you forever until I did everything I could to make amends for my selfishness and failures. Will you allow me to do that first?”  It was what I needed but not really what I wanted. I knew what I was asking. After being with God I was asking to be separated from him again.

“Many others have come to me with the same request. And when they do enter heaven after their period of cleansing they enjoy it so much more. I will let you go then into the desert of separation until you are ready to rejoin Me here.  Know that I’ll be waiting and always looking forward to the day we are re-united as we were always meant to be.  You were made to be with me. You’ll be complete when we are finally together forever and I want that day to come so much more than even you do. I’ve been waiting for you for many years. But if this is your request, I will continue to wait for you. During our time apart remember always that I am waiting for you. ”

After a very long hug, Abba slipped away from me and I was completely alone.