On my own....I fail

"You must be born from above." I cannot be reborn from below, that is with my own strength, with my own mind, and with my own psychological insights. There is no doubt in my mind about this because I have tried so hard in the past to heal myself from the complaints and failed.....and failed until I came to the edge of physical exhaustion. I can only be healed from above, from where God reaches down. What is impossible for me is possible for God. "With God everything is possible."
I cannot forgive myself. I cannot love myself. I cannot leave my anger. I cannot bring myself home nor can I create communion on my own. I can desire it, hope for it, wait for it, pray for it. But my own true freedom I cannot fabricate for myself. That must be given to me. I am lost. I must be found and brought home by the Shepherd who reaches out to me.
by Henri Nouwen The Return Of The Prodigal Son


The Clay by Ron DiCianni ©

My Favorite One

The younger son said, "I started to walk home slowly and hesitantly, hearing ever more clearly the voice that says: "You are my Beloved, on you my favor rests." It is a light-giving voice that keeps calling me 'my favorite one.'

i am a little church

i am a little church by E. E. Cummings

i am a little church (no great cathedral) far from the splendor and squalor of hurrying cities- i do

not worry if briefer days grow briefest, i am not sorry when sun and rain make april my life is

the life of the reaper and the sower; my prayers are prayers of earth's own clumsily striving

(finding and losing and laughing and crying) children whose any sadness or joy is my grief or

my gladness around me surges a miracle of unceasing birth and glory and death and

resurrection: over my sleeping self float flaming symbols of hope, and i wake to a perfect

patience of mountains i am a little church (far from the frantic world with its rapture and

anguish) at peace with nature -i do not worry if longer nights grow longest; i am not sorry

when silence becomes singing winter by spring, i lift my diminutive spire to merciful Him

Whose only now is forever: standing erect in the deathless truth of His presence (welcoming

humbly His light and proudly His darkness) .

Death and Life ...Again

Last year (see post on 12/12/2008) on 12/5 my 30 yr old nephew died. This year (2009) on 12/13 my dad died. How does one integrate death with the Christmas season? It is a natural part of the cycle of life we all know. But when it hits home its not such an intellectual discussion. I actually contemplated the manger in Church and I could feel the joy of Jesus' birth. Our church has a very large crucifix suspended from the ceiling. I couldn't focus on that b/c the pain was too much. It was much more comfortable to look at a newborn baby... a smiling Savior.

Jesus, be born in my heart please so that I may gently give birth to you in my world.

Psalm of an Emerging Emmanuel

“O Come, O Come, Emmanuel,”
I pray with upraised eyes.
Drop down, O Dew of Heaven,
That God might walk and talk on earth,
Might heal and feed our sin-soaked world.
O Come, O Come, Emmanuel,
My prayer like searchlights
Comb the starry winter skies.
Descend from the black hole
of some neighboring galaxy
to green with your grace
our barren earth.
Such an Advent waiting prayer
can be a lifelong profession of patient longing,
unless I know, with all my heart,
that Emmanuel not only comes down
but also comes forth and emerges.
O Come, O Come, Emmanuel,
Come forth from deep within me
With Christmas luminous beauty.
For my heart has become the sacred crib,
The birthing place of God-among-us.
Peace on earth and justice for all
Will only become manifest in our lives
When enough of our sons and daughters
Awaken to your divine design
That has made each of us
an emerging Emmanuel.
From Psalms for Sacred Seasons

Where to Find God...

Earth's crammed with heaven,

And every common bush afire with God

And only he who sees takes off his shoes;

The rest sit round it and pluck blackberries
elizabeth barrett browning

The whole earth is filled with God’s glory – people, seasons, work, relationships. Those who recognize His handiwork can’t help but remove their shoes fir it is indeed Holy Ground. They look for Him carefully, respectfully, expectantly. They search because they know they will find Him. Confidently and joyfully they search with eyes wide open. Their hearts whisper, “God is here! I must find Him. I must see Him!”

The rest of us are like tourists, looking but not seeing. We grab and hold onto shiny objects that bring an oooh or an aaaah. God must be here in this or that. We’d never imagine God to be in the dull, the normal or routine. We distract ourselves by plucking the blackberries while at the same time ignoring the beautiful countryside around us.

The earth is full of the grandeur of God. The temple is filled with His glory. Holy, holy, holy is the Lord!

Let God Love You

You can use this for a reflection....something on the order of an imagery or centering prayer.

1 One of the reasons why our prayer fails is that it is too self centered. We must get out of ourselves and center on God and His kingdom. Knowing a truth will not nourish us. Coming into direct contact with God will.
Rest in His loving presence. Get comfortable physically
Quiet your mind. Erase the past for a moment. Ease your mind of all expectations.
Unite in Him, it’s only you and God.
Cease thinking. It’s not about what you think Put your brain to sleep for a while.
Love God with your whole heart and let God love you. (Anthony De Mello )

2 My parents could not have wanted ME. At best they wanted a healthy boy or girl. Only God wanted me. (New Catechism) So come before the Father, put your ear against his chest and listen, without interruption to the heartbeat of God. (Nouwen )

Let God love you.

3 You weren’t mass produced. You aren’t an assembly line product. You were deliberately planned, specifically gifted and lovingly positioned on this earth. God Thinks You’re Wonderful. Blessed be the Lord your God who has delighted in you.
(Max Lucado and 1 Kings 10:9 )
Let God love you.

4 Jesus did not get his approval externally – not from what Peter, James or John thought. He didn’t care whether Caeser smiled or frowned. God loved Him and that was all He needed to know. (Jesus CEO)
Let God love you.

5 Max Lucado said: “When my daughters were small they played with Play-Doh. If they forgot to put the lid on the can the substance hardened. Then they brought it to me. My hands were bigger. My fingers stronger. I could mold the stony stuff into putty. Is your heart hard? Take it to The Father. You’re only a prayer away.

Accepting love, forgiveness and healings is much harder than giving it. (H. Nouwen)
Let God love you.

6 You thought you were going to be made into a decent little cottage but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in you Himself. (C.S.Lewis)

For the prodigal son, coming home meant walking step by step toward the One who awaits me with open arms and wants to hold me in an eternal embrace. I did not realize how deeply rooted my resistance was and how agonizing it would be to come to my senses, fall on my knees and let my tears flow freely. (Nouwen)
Let God love you.

7 You may say, “Jesus, I feel lost.” I’m sorry it feels that way, but hear me clearly. You are NOT lost. I am with you always. Learn to live loved. (The SHACK by Young)
Let God love you.

8 You can’t see the stars during the day but that doesn’t mean they are not there. God is faithful. (John Eldredge)

God says:
For you to know or not to know has nothing to do with whether I am actually here of not. I am always with you. I will be with you whether you sense my presence or not. So if you imagine the future with fear, you show you do not trust my love for you. (The SHACK )
Let God love you.

9 You’ve never disappointed Me, God says. My love is a lot bigger than your stupidity. You are wonderful beyond imagination – the pinnacle of my creation and the center of my affection. (The SHACK )

Let God love you.
10 God loves me as much as he loves his son Jesus Christ so let Him love you now. (Jn 17: 23)

We are Family

"The Spirit testifies that we are God's children." Rms 8:16

So in my spiritual family, with God as my Father and Jesus as my Brother, there is a culture of suffering for the sake of others. My Father did it by offering the world His Son. My brother Jesus did it by offering His own life. My Mother Mary did it by becoming pregnant while unmarried. That's just what is done in this family. If I'm a member of the family I can join in this effort.

a Sarayu fractal

My emotional pain....

God peeking thru.....

Like Mack in The Shack I've recently been thru some serious trauma. Actually it was almost 2 years ago. Since that time I've neglected this blog b/c of my own emptiness- physical, emotional and spiritual. I'm beginning now, thank you Lord!, to get back on track....just beginning. I'm completely affected by the book b/c it resonates in my heart AND soul. Mack's pain and misunderstanding of life and God are my experience, too. I don't hate God and I never did or could. Why would I? I just have misunderstood many things...like doing vs. being perfect....like judging things/situations as black and white...like understanding that God's always been there but my pain has blocked my vision of Him. WOW. My stupidity and lack of simplicity overwhelms me, but God is good and he loves me thru it all.

Pray for me and I will for you...for all those doing their best to be God-followers. AMEN.

Thoughts from The Shack

Papa (God the Father) meets us at The Shack. It's the icon of our deepest pain. p. 67

Doing what you feel obligated to do doesn't get you any points. p. 91

I want to heal the wound that has grown inside you and between us. p. 94

When all you can see is your pain, perhaps you lose sight of me. p. 98

"Jesus, I feel lost."
"I'm sorry it feels that way, but hear me clearly; you are not lost. I am with you. "p. 116

Submission isn't about authority or obedience; it's about relationships of love and respect. p.147

Knowing someone makes your love for them grow. Love is the skin of knowing. p. 157

Sometimes we grow up on the outside and we keep our monsters inside because we believe they are safer there. But the monsters are all waiting for the chance to come out. Return to God and learn to live loved. p. 177

It's extremely hard to rescue someone unless they are willing to trust you. p. 182

Where there is suffering you will find grace in many facets and colors. p. 188

The Shack by Wm. Paul Young

sarayu

The Shack

It's a great book. It pushes God outside of the box we've all relegated Him to. It forces our concept of God to change-if only temporarily.

And who hasn't experienced "The Great Sadness" sometime?

Gotta read it. Would love to hear your thoughts.

Easter Me, Jesus!

Show me how to live loved. In simplicity while judging no one. Show me how to give love away to all others freely. No competition, jealousy or envy. Joyful and free like the Easter Catholic I was created to be. Alleluia!

The Blood of Jesus

The blood of Jesus purifies us from all sin. 1 John 1:7
Jesus came by water and blood, not by water only. 1 John 5:6

The Blood of Jesus
· Was on the whips that scourged Him, the ties that bound him to the scourging pillar and the ground in the scourging area
· Stuck to the Crown of Thorns and where did that Crown go?
· Dropped along the ground from the scourging site to the Hill on Calvary
· Was on the nails that pierced His Body
· Was on the sword that was thrust into His side
· Stuck to the Cross itself where Jesus was nailed
· Dripped to the ground as He hung on the Cross
· Was on Mary’s clothes during the Pieta moment
· Was washed off as they prepared Jesus’ body for burial

This blood was precious. Centuries ago when saints died it was not unusual to send the person’s limbs to various other churches where they could be reverenced. In Jesus’ case, his body was carefully buried and then rose from the dead. His blood, however, was washed away, absorbed into the ground or ignored. To those present it must have been a painful sight. It was a glaring and vivid reminder of the suffering and death of their Loved One. Today, in hospitals they try to dispose of the blood so the family members don’t have to view it. Blood depicts pain and suffering –something that must be washed quickly away. In Jesus’ case it confirmed the loss of their King, their Hope for the future; the fulfillment of the Old Testament longing. It was too much, too visual.

At the moment of death there are things to be done. One must say good-bye to the deceased as in one last hug or kiss. The body must be prepared for the burial and then, of course, the reverent placement in the tomb.
But no one, as St. Therese of Liseaux noted, paid attention to the precious blood of Jesus. In his movie, The Passion of the Christ, Mel Gibson depicts the post-scourging scene in which Mary frenetically tries to wipe up Jesus’ blood which lay all over the scourging area floor. Watching that scene one almost feels that Mary was hoping that if she washed away the blood she could wash away the event. Jesus’ torture would be erased. Or maybe she didn’t want Jesus’ torturers to irreverently walk all over it while laughing and cheering with each other at what they had done.

St. Therese wanted to be able to stand under the Cross in order to catch the drops that fell. I picture myself kneeling under that large killing tool called the crucifix, with a beggar’s bowl. I once saw a stained glass window in which a person reached up under each side of the “T” on the cross with a chalice. Another chalice received the blood dripping from Our Lord’s feet. In this window picture, Jesus’ face was replaced with a white round host. That’s what Eucharist is all about: the reception of the body and blood of our Lord that transforms our human bodies into replicas of His.

When the transformed wine is consumed, the heat of the alcohol can be felt as it travels down the esophagus. I look forward to feeling that. It announces Jesus’ entrance into my body. While burning away the sinful me I am transformed into the Sacred. Jesus and I become one.

Silence. Returning to my pew I am in awe. Drinking from the cup was a simple act. Did I miss the Sacrament of it all? Did it really happen? Indeed it did! Jesus is in me. Jesus transforms me. Everyone around me is singing the hymn, but honestly I cannot sing. The moment, the intimacy is too sacred. I cannot let it pass unnoticed. Silent awareness and humility are the only responses I can bring to the moment.

The priest speaks again and we all begin to walk out. The Mass is over. The aisle is crowded with Jesus because Jesus transformed the others, too. Can you see it? Can you feel His presence? The Body and Blood of our Lord and Savior has transformed this Church. We are Jesus’ hands and feet on earth.

The Mass is ended. Go in peace.

Is it pain or renewal?

God calls the end times the “renewal of all things” in Mathew 19:28
“Repent then and turn to God so that your sins may be wiped out, that time of refreshing may come from the Lord.” Acts 3:19

What appears to be pain and sorrow has frequently in my life been the predecessor of intimacy with God. The Gospel even calls the end times a renewal. What can I endure with the knowledge of God’s presence within me and his protection surrounding me?

Don’t we get excited when we know we’ve bought or made the perfect gift for someone? We wrap it carefully and well, decorating our emotional wish to please a loved one. We present it with a smile being that sure the recipient will be pleased. If it really is as perfect the gift we thought it to be, that mutual happiness of the moment adds joy and intimacy to the relationship. Wasn’t that the purpose of the gift in the first place?

God’s packages to us aren’t always pleasantly wrapped. His gifts aren’t always fun. But gifts they are. Pain, be it emotional, physical or spiritual can sometimes be a gift depending on the way we see and appreciate it. We must accept gifts gracefully and acknowledge the Giver. Simply being a participant on this globe, of course, can impose pain. Even that pain though, is a gift and can be transformed.

So God gifts us or allows us to experience sorrow. Is it to test us? To prove us? Or like many gifts does it depend on our spirit of understanding and acceptance? Do we rebel asking such questions as “why me?” citing our honest attempts to live a decent life? Reading the lives of the saints helps me in this area the most.

St Joan of Arc
Blessed Mary of Australia
St. Louis Marie De Montfort

They were misunderstood, judged to be insane and persecuted for their Godly lives. What made them saints is their heroic degree of virtue. And Joan, Mary and St. Louis Marie De Montfort were simple human beings like us. Their prayer life, i.e. their intimacy with God in the face of trial gave them strength and courage.

Renewal of all things.
Times of refreshing from the Lord.
It does require time spent in the Lord’s presence to be able to translate pain and sorrow into renewal and refreshing. It’s barely human to be able to do that at all. Spiritual intimacy with the one who was persecuted for our sins is the only way for me.

Prayer: Jesus you know how much I really mean that. I come to you be to repaired and made whole. Re-paired that is, to be paired up with you again. Your example and your love is my strength. Thank you for ALWAYS being there.
THE SAINTS CLUB

Waiting is Hard...

In the Old Testament the people waited for a Messiah. They ended up with Someone not like what they expected.
They wanted a king.
They got a pauper.
They wanted someone to reign over them.
They got someone who was killed.
They wanted Israel to become a world power.
That country has ben in political distress for centuries.
They wanted to be rescued.
Instead they were saved.

I have the same problem. It's not that I expect sunny days and smiling faces everywhere I go. But I honestly did not expect betrayal by friends and family, illness, drug overdoses, extreme poverty and work instability.
I didn't expect to have the wind knocked out of me so that I was powerless and unable to cope -more or less fix- any of this that all happened in the past 14 months.
I'm looking for a Messiah, Jesus. You understand I'm anxious and upset. You understand how hard this has all been. You have been beside me during every minute of that. I don't doubt that at all. I return to be in your daily presence in prayer seeking direction, advice, comfort.

So I know how they felt, those desert wanderers in the Old Testament. It would be easy to get distracted and start looking at the scenery or each other rather than keep our focus on you. And they waited and longed for you for generations! They couldn't read the rest of The Book and see how it all turned out. They deserve respect and admiration for hanging in there - waiting.

There's something self-emptying about all this waiting....
I have a lot to learn from those Old Testament folks.

A casket and a manger

My 30 yr old nephew Tony is being buried today

Fri 12/12/08.

A casket and a manger look kind of alike.

Each one contained a person.

A box that holds a loved one.

One wrapped in swaddling clothes, the other covered with a blanket.

Both are lying there for a short while, surrounded by family and angels.

One makes sense of the other.

A message for those suffering

Broken Christians hurt but they don't quit, even tho they may feel empty. They must do that because there is no one else who can sing their song. That's the song God put in that individual's heart to sing for Him. And they do that because they witness to the grace God offers, His faithfulness and His unconditional love.

Thank you Lord that I haven't been completely crushed by the heaviness in my heart or by the pounding of the surf on me, your broken shell. Thank you for the courage to live with my pain and the strength to remain faithful, a gift given to me through your grace. Amen!

(read the book: My Beautiful, Broken Shell by Carol Hambler Adams)

The Blood of Christ on the ground...

St Therese of Liseaux talked about the Blood of Christ that dripped onto the ground as Jesus hung and died on the Cross. People scramble to receive relics - supposed splinters from the Cross, tiny squares of cloth worn by a saint- are first class relics. In the past a holy person's possessions and even body parts were distributed within the Church. But the blood of Jesus Christ poured out of His body and was absorbed into the ground on the day He died. St Therese thought it irreverent that no one captured that blessed liquid. The blood by which our everlasting salvation was won was soaked up by the dirt it fell upon. No one did anything about it. The soldiers didn’t care. Jesus’ Blessed Mother was absorbed by what was happening to her Son or surely she would have realized it. I imagine she wiped away the blood from the crown of thorns with her own cloak. She’d want to clearly see his face again before they wrapped and buried his body. Her cloak was stained because of that and because she cradled his dead body.

This is not a reflection of the morbid but of the precious, of the sacred and holy. It is that same blood we consume at Mass. Mass is our opportunity to show God our gratitude for the blood His Son shed out of love for us. When we receive the Body and Blood of Christ, our attentiveness to that act will indicate our respect. It’s not the time to look at other people, though the devil would surely love that we be distracted by doing that! The reception of Eucharist is our chance to make amends for the mockery of the soldiers. Jesus’ sacred blood was physically on their hands but they wiped it away. His blood freely fell to the ground – drops of salvation soaked into the dirt. As we walk up the aisle during Mass these are thoughts we can contemplate. When the minister holds the cup before us and says, “Blood of Christ” we can respectfully consume the transformed wine and imagine ourselves being covered by the blood of salvation, the blood of our Savior as we stand under the Cross.

In the dirt is not where Jesus’ blood should be. It should be in me.

When God Popped a Shirt Button With Pride

When Jesus chose to be baptized by John I'm sure Jesus' Abba and he had discussed the idea ahead of time in prayer. They jointly decided it was the right thing to do. I can't imagine that God the Father's voice peeking out of the clouds was part of that plan. I think God saw his son walking thru the River toward John and could almost not contain his joy. He saw it as the beginning of his Son's public life. He knew that the world would be hearing their message of unconditional love. He wanted to burst with pride over his son. His only son, Jesus was to set the wheels in motion. Ashe saw Jesus take the step toward accomplishing their design God could contain Himself no more. Like a new father who walks out of the delivery room to shout, "It's a boy!" God the Father said, "This is my Beloved Son".

Oops, did you hear that? It was a button popping off God the Father's shirt!

That's how Jesus looks at me, too. Just because it's hard for me to imagine doesn't mean it isn't true. God loves me completely and unconditionally- warts and all. He thinks I'm beautiful (its uncomfortable to type that). He appreciates that I've tried as much as I have. He's long ago forgotten anything I did wrong because of is generous mercy. It's not about me tho- this is all about our faithful, generous and almighty God. Praise Him!

Deliver Us From Evil (Not the movie)

Wherever we go, God is there to take our hand and guide us. Even in danger, God will help us to know what to do. The last petition to God the Father is also included in Jesus' prayer: "I am not asking you to take them out of the world, but I ask you to protect them from the evil one." The Lord who has taken away our sins and pardons our faults also protects us and keeps us from evil. The person who entrusts her or himself to God does not dread the devil. "If God is for us, who is against us?"

When we ask to be delivered from the Evil One, we pray as well to be freed from all evils, present, past, and future. With the world in the situation that it is in right now, not just financially but also morally, let us all pray this petition to God, our Father with confidence.